Hero Inc.

Last night instead of going out to enjoy my Friday night, I stayed at home to “veg” out in front of the TV. An old movie caught my eye that I remember watching as a kid and started thinking about great soccer moments in the movies. I love soccer, but being an American, it is rare a true, good soccer movie is made. Usually we only get flicks that push soccer even further back in the American eye. If it isn’t part of the American big three (football [NFL], baseball, or basketball), it will not receive its cinematic justice.

Therefore, I have decided to create the five best cinematic displays of soccer that I have seen.

5. Any part with Larry’s (The Keeper) visions, The Big Green – Ah yes, the quintessential Disney formula for the mid-90’s:
   

   Misfit kids + A Sport + 1 Known Actor (Steve Guttenberg) + Humor = Release This Movie

   The Big Green may not have been as good as Mighty Ducks, but I loved the scenes where Larry was imagining the other teams attacking him as their mascots, most notably the Knights. It just goes to show you what magic goggles can do when worn properly on the soccer field. Maybe the goat was a bit much though.

4. Allies vs. Nazis, Victory – This movie could have been great. Mix great athletes with a good actor, Michael Caine, and you could possibly have a great soccer film. What’s that you say? To help it get exposure in the states you need to beef it up by adding Sylvester Stallone? Are you kidding me? Victory is great, but Stallone just kills it. It’s either his constant jabs against the game or his non-believable role as the team’s goalie. Otherwise, this movie is great. I mean, where else are you going to get Pele overcoming an injury to help his team out? Or classic 70s/80s soccer moments? Why Stallone? Why?
3. Team Shaolin vs. Team Evil, Shaolin Soccer – Mix cool fighting techniques with soccer and, of course, I’m sold. The basic plot is that five monks come together to relieve the great feeling Shaolin brought to them and maybe even have a great soccer match at the same time. Each character’s special Shaolin technique somehow magically matches to a great soccer skill. The graphics are pretty cool too.
2. Dirty Yellows vs. True Blues, Bedknobs and Broomsticks – Sure it may be a musical with that guy from Herbie and Marry Poppins (David Tomlinson) as well as the Murder She Wrote Lady (Angela Lansbury), but the soccer scene is great. Early mixture of live action and cartoon is just funny when the human has to be the ref with no control. Animals playing soccer offers the great lines:
   

   Charlie: That’s a foul referee.
   Carrie: They’re animals, Charlie.
   Charlie: That may be, but it’s no excuse for dirty football.

   The match also has probably two of the best keepers/goalies you will see in a film featuring soccer.
   

1. Cons vs. Guards, Mean Machine – I know what you are already thinking. This is just a rip off of The Longest Yard. Well, when the original Longest Yard with Burt Reynolds was released in the UK, it was given the name Mean Machine instead. I’m thankful someone took the time to provide soccer/movie fans with a good movie by modifying the original concept. Mean Machine follows the same formular as The Longest Yard:
   

   Pro Player – Everything Thanks to Broken Laws + Humor + Ability to Redeem Himself = Great Soccer Movie

   Vinnie Jones works well in his role as a drunken pro who threw everything away and now finds himself in prison. The game…..errr…..match has everything: Great Commentators, a Keeper/Goalie going on walkabouts, skills, violence, and a great team concept.